After new arrival Diego Milito scored both goals (Zlatan who?) in Inter’s preseason win over AC Milan on Sunday, Javier Zanetti could think of only one way to thank him. See? That kind of inspired decision-making is why he’s captain.

Under the jump, the Russians (well, one Russian and two Brazilians) get into the act.

Spartak Moscow’s Vladimir Bystrov shows Alex a little love, as Welliton seethes with jealousy.

(If you know who the bulge-in-profile belongs to, please enlighten us in the comments.)

And remember when Lorik Cana had long hair, and looked like a really hot caveman who seemed like the type who would go out and club a mate to drag back to the cave?

Somehow in our imaginations it looked a little different.

(But we like this, too.)

This season, Genoa have proved their willingness to climb on top of one another at the drop of a hat. When you’re in the process of achieving an amazing home win over Juventus, though, it calls for something a little bit special: Cue the midgame, on-pitch orgy, supervised — ostensibly, anyway — by those who prefer to watch.

This is mainly just your standard goal video. At least until you get to about the :25 mark, when it becomes a special personal moment between Vincenzo Iaquinta and the goal-scorer, Pavel Nedved.

Sometimes these goal celebrations say what words can only hint at…

(It’s okay, Vincenzo. When we’re happy, we have to fight the desire to massage Pavel’s bum too.)

(Spotted on Off the Post)

Is it…the awkward look on Andrea Pirlo’s face? David Beckham puffing his chest out? Filippo Inzaghi wanting some action? Alexandre Pato desperately needing a shave? Or is it Paolo Maldini’s deer-caught-in-headlights look?

Hmm…

Xisco is currently sitting on the bench at Newcastle, which must be awfully depressing for him — not only is he not playing, but he’s also freezing his ass off, without a beach in sight. One hopes he’s been able to find new friends on Tyneside who are just as touchy-feely and/or kissy as the ones he left behind in Spain.

So he likes to party (shirtless). Don’t hate!

And you gotta love a man who has no problem clawing at other men in public, right?

(Whoa, easy there slugger — that’s a horse. No clawing at him.)

Interestingly, it’s when he puts his clothes on that Xisco get really friendly.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Mad props (as the kids say) for his willingness to engage in this sort of thing in our Facebook-ized world.

(I include this one only because he seems to be wearing a captain’s armband. Interesting.)

[More here.]

I can hold your hand.

And again.

Or we can engage in a full-body embrace.

Or a…uh…fuller body embrace.

And…um… Well..

And…um…well… Times two.

Oh, Jose, don’t be such a prude.

PS: I was drinking soda when I watched. Bad idea because there are some funny moments that take you by surprise. And now my nose hurts.

This, apparently, is how they used to celebrate at Real Betis: Joaquín would dance, and teammates would (presumably) take turns as his partner/groper. Man. God only knows how he was able to drag himself away — Valencia may have a lot of short guys named David, but they’re nothing compared to a nice, intimate booty dance with a teammate.