Oh, look! It’s Atletico Madrid player Diego Forlán, showing us that his abs and biceps apparently have something to do with “men” and “health.” Wondering if it shouldn’t actually read “Women’s Health,” though?

(Because we’re suddenly feeling much better.)

Spotted on Atletico Madrid Offside.

Part of this photo is NSFW. It’s like a game of “Where’s Waldo” – there many decoys to distract you from spotting your objective, but if you try hard enough you’ll find what you’re looking for.

Oh, look! It’s Argentina’s Martin Palermo, wet and shirtless, celebrating after scoring a goal that helps keep Argentina’s World Cup dreams alive.

We can get behind this kind of celebration. Or in front of. Or kind of…sideways. But pressed up close.

(And we curse the day that the removing shirt = yellow card rule was ever implemented.)

(Spotted on ONTD)

Occasionally we see a video that leaves us speechless. This is such a video. Let’s just allow Zlatan’s undergarment to speak for itself, shall we?

(Click on the link, and on the second page of the comments you will also find this in the form of a .gif, which, sadly, is too big to post here, but which you should enjoy anyway.)

Also, HABS is looking for a few good women to carry on the HABS tradition. If you think you have what it takes — irreverence, the ability to blindly objectify, and a talent for stringing a sentence or two together without destroying your keyboard with drool — then please check out our blogger guidelines. If you’re still interested, drop a note to our editor Daryl at Daryl[at]theoffside[dot]com.

Because AC Milan long ago signed a contract in blood with Dolce & Gabbana, they are now followed to the ends of the earth by minions with cameras. These are not, however, your typical, sports-photographing minions. Oh no, not for Milan — Milan are followed by fashion photographers, so that everything they do appears to be not only carefully posed, but also well-dressed. (Thanks to H4M for the heads up.)

Massimo Ambrosini is either waiting or posing — it’s so hard to tell with Milan.

Massimo Oddo may look perpetually rough, but damn if it isn’t a hot rough.

(Graciously showing off his back for the camera.)

Check it out, even old man Pippo got into the Top Gun-style act!

Gianluca Zambrotta, meanwhile, has classier, less sweaty tastes.

Not, um, that anyone is complaining about that. Wow.

Nesta, it seems, is harder to impress than we are.

As is Andrea Pirlo. What does it take to please these people?

And then there’s Pato, who seems dangerously close to forgetting there are cameras around.

Clarence Seedorf, showing the kid how pimping is done.

Last but not least, it’s Marco Borriello, making even the airport waiting area sexy.

[Many more at Swide Magazine's Flickr account.]

Zlatan Ibrahimovic may be on his way to Barcelona, but he’s not there yet. At the moment, he’s in California with Inter, rocking the bottom half of his new #10 gear, and reminding us of the shallowest reasons to love him.

Alright, so Newcastle went down. That doesn’t mean Andy Carroll isn’t still just as tall and slim and dreamy as he was in the Premiership, dammit! He’s definitely the main reason we appreciate Newcastle’s decision to end each of their three-a-day training sessions with ice baths. More, please.

After a delay allegedly caused by his showgirl wife Aida Yespica’s hesitation to move to Turkey, Genoa’s Matteo Ferrari (You remember him, right?) completed his move to Besiktas yesterday. While it’s a sad day for Serie A because he’s both easy on the eyes and coming off his best season in a while, the fact that Besiktas are one of the clubs that releases medical pictures really helps reduce the pain of the loss.

Just ignore the creepy mask and focus on the rest of him, alright?

And, also, be happy Besiktas don’t force people to wear those net shirts while they test their fitness.

(Matteo wants you to know he looks good when he’s dressed, too. He’s not just an object, people!)

After a couple weeks of being one of the few Italian teams not allegedly interested in him, AC Milan announced this morning that Oguchi Onyewu will be joining the big time, trading Belgian champions Standard Liège for a chance in Serie A. And, since Alessandro Nesta hasn’t gone a full month without getting hurt in years, Gooch will probably have plenty of chances to prove himself in Italy.

Just by turning up, he’ll be tripling the sheer mass of AC Milan’s squad.

(I’m pretty sure, for example, that it’d take six Pippo Inzaghis to equal the weight of one Gooch.)

May everyone at Milan enjoy touching appreciate him like his NT teammates do.

Roberto Soldado, it appears, has made Getafe fans very happy indeed.

What’s that? You say where you are it’s a crime to greet people who have pleased you by groping them and trying to take their clothes? Why, where’s the fun is that?