Because AC Milan long ago signed a contract in blood with Dolce & Gabbana, they are now followed to the ends of the earth by minions with cameras. These are not, however, your typical, sports-photographing minions. Oh no, not for Milan — Milan are followed by fashion photographers, so that everything they do appears to be not only carefully posed, but also well-dressed. (Thanks to H4M for the heads up.)

Massimo Ambrosini is either waiting or posing — it’s so hard to tell with Milan.

Massimo Oddo may look perpetually rough, but damn if it isn’t a hot rough.

(Graciously showing off his back for the camera.)

Check it out, even old man Pippo got into the Top Gun-style act!

Gianluca Zambrotta, meanwhile, has classier, less sweaty tastes.

Not, um, that anyone is complaining about that. Wow.

Nesta, it seems, is harder to impress than we are.

As is Andrea Pirlo. What does it take to please these people?

And then there’s Pato, who seems dangerously close to forgetting there are cameras around.

Clarence Seedorf, showing the kid how pimping is done.

Last but not least, it’s Marco Borriello, making even the airport waiting area sexy.

[Many more at Swide Magazine's Flickr account.]

Alright, so Newcastle went down. That doesn’t mean Andy Carroll isn’t still just as tall and slim and dreamy as he was in the Premiership, dammit! He’s definitely the main reason we appreciate Newcastle’s decision to end each of their three-a-day training sessions with ice baths. More, please.

After a delay allegedly caused by his showgirl wife Aida Yespica’s hesitation to move to Turkey, Genoa’s Matteo Ferrari (You remember him, right?) completed his move to Besiktas yesterday. While it’s a sad day for Serie A because he’s both easy on the eyes and coming off his best season in a while, the fact that Besiktas are one of the clubs that releases medical pictures really helps reduce the pain of the loss.

Just ignore the creepy mask and focus on the rest of him, alright?

And, also, be happy Besiktas don’t force people to wear those net shirts while they test their fitness.

(Matteo wants you to know he looks good when he’s dressed, too. He’s not just an object, people!)

After a couple weeks of being one of the few Italian teams not allegedly interested in him, AC Milan announced this morning that Oguchi Onyewu will be joining the big time, trading Belgian champions Standard Liège for a chance in Serie A. And, since Alessandro Nesta hasn’t gone a full month without getting hurt in years, Gooch will probably have plenty of chances to prove himself in Italy.

Just by turning up, he’ll be tripling the sheer mass of AC Milan’s squad.

(I’m pretty sure, for example, that it’d take six Pippo Inzaghis to equal the weight of one Gooch.)

May everyone at Milan enjoy touching appreciate him like his NT teammates do.

Rio Ferdinand wants you all to know that he thinks United’s new kits are fierce as hell, and suggests you think the same, whether or not a certain Portuguese is wearing them. We don’t know about you, but we’re not going to argue.

More Rio after the jump, along with Rooney, Evra, Park, van der Sar, and the dark horse, Ben Foster. (Loading will be slow, but worth it — click most of the images for HQ versions.)

Really, really digging these kits. (And, also, Rio’s arms.)

Feeling intimidated by having Rio so nearby, Evra goes extra-badass, with fists and everything.

*thinks Evra must know what he’s doing, and does the fist thing too*

(If you look closely, you’ll see this is actually a wax replica. Park went home early from the shoot.)

Whether he likes it or not, Rooney doesn’t need to make fists in order to look like a thug.

The fact that this is the best version of the picture is truly horrifying — he’s an angry gremlin!

Onto the keepers.

Van der Sar may be 104, but he’ll still cut you if you look at him funny.

How much do you want to bet his boots will end up Photoshopped? Adidas, Edwin? Tsk, tsk.

As everyone has no doubt heard, Karim Benzema packed up his stuff and moved from Lyon to Real Madrid yesterday, throwing his hat into the ring (GEDDIT?) for a regular spot in the New Galacticos™.

How do you think they’ll decide which of their zillion attackers will get to start? Rock, Scissors, Paper? Duels? Asking Raul?

You may remember Federico Balzaretti from this post, in which he helped Palermo youngsters with difficult things like tying ties. But, as evidenced by the above picture, he’s more than capable of standing on his own, without cocky punks like Simon Kjaer cramping his style. Click to see Balza in all his HQ, scruffy, David Bowie-resembling glory.

His tactics may sometimes be dodgy, but Italy’s U21 coach Pierluigi Casiraghi looks so good that we tend to get distracted when we try to question his decisions.

Seriously. Is he coaching, or modeling for D&G?

Oh, and he used to play a little football himself. Sweet Breathe Rite strip, Pier.

This is Jérémy Clément. He plays for PSG and, despite appearances, is actually an old man of 24 rather than a child of 17. Based on this photoshoot, he also seems to be the physical manifestation of the word “twink.” Not that there’s a damn thing wrong with that, of course.

Model or figure skater? With the wind machine going, sometimes it’s hard to tell.

Aw. With that face, you can almost overlook the fact that he’s wearing a wifebeater sweater.

(Do you think he actually looks airbrushed in real life?)

I think this is my favorite — even the hoodie + dress jacket thing sorta works.

Whether he’s playing for Everton or qualifying for the World Cup with Socceroos, Tim Cahill knows labels are important: Check the Armani waistband he carefully displayed during Australia’s postgame celebrations over the weekend. Well done, sir — expect that fee from the Armani office soon.

Two more of the Armani-pimping (oh, and the shirtlessness) after the jump.

ETA: Cahill’s also the man of the hour over at Kickette, so go take a gander at him not wearing his Everton kit when you’re done here.

“Hey, kids — buy Armani!”

(One could be forgiven for having a hard time focusing on Cahill’s waistband in this one.)