Introducing our New HABs Offside Five-Tongue Rating System!

By: Amanda Leerat | October 14th, 2008

In the comments on the Philippe Mexes post, reader Johonna offered up the following.

I am not saying that I dont want to go shopping with the man, only that none of those pictures make me want to lick my computer screen like the Zlatan and Ferrari pictures do.

Filling readers with the desire to lick the screen? An excellent measure of HABs hotness.

Keeping in mind that we will never, ever subject you to any player deserving of less than one screen lick, we offer up the following rating system. (And gentlemen? Keep in mind that the willingness to disrobe at the drop of a hat will automatically move you up a notch. Just fyi.)

One tongue: The boy next door. Sweet. Nice. Kinda cute. Maybe he doesn’t make you break out into a cold sweat, but definitely worthy of a lick or two.

Poster boy: Frank Lampard.

Two tongues: Two possibilities:
1) Still on the “sweet and nice” end of the scale, but with a little extra…something.

Boca might fit in here, but only because he doesn’t show nearly enough skin on a regular basis.

2) A serious bad boy (hot!) who maybe has some hair issues. (Didier Drogba, are you listening?)

Three tongues: Cute, and/or interesting, but without that certain…something…that might make you drool uncontrollably and lose your train of thought.

Philippe Mexes might be a three-tongue HAB.

And what about Fernando Torres? Too darn cute to be a four- or five-lick player? Or does he belong further up the scale?

Four tongues: Just this side of perfect.

Zlatan, anyone?

Or what about Florent Malouda?

Five tongues: The whole enchilada. Of course, this is a matter of opinion.

There are those who might consider Cristiano Ronaldo in this category. My guess is that none of the HABs writers fall into this group.

But perhaps Yoann Gourcuff?

Or Iker Casillas?

Of course, you may disagree with our assessments. That’s what makes this fun. Leave your thoughts in the comments, with link to pictures supporting your ratings.